Funniest Ritual Bloopers Shared

Have you ever choked on your cakes and ale during ritual? Have any of your neighbors thought your house was on fire because of all the incense smoke coming out? Or have your parents ever come home way early and you had to make up an elaborate story to explain your wiccan get-up and paraphernalia? Here are some of the funniest ritual bloopers sent to us by our contributors and readers:

Beep beep!
Taking advantage of a lunar eclipse, I decided to cast a detachment spell.That day, we had a conference at the Waterfront Hotel so I decided to cast it there with a friend who was a newbie in the Wiccan stuff. He was very silent and nervous during my invocation of the four elements. I was assigned with a room with no balcony so we made our circle inside, not realizing that it was a non-smoking room. When I was about to light papers on fire in the cauldron, the smoke detector started beeping. (See, it didn't make a fuzz when candles were lit... so I forgot that there was one). After putting out all the fire, the smoke detector continued to beep with increasing intensity. In panic, I grabbed the cauldron and ran to the bathroom. My companion, in hysterical laughter followed me. To finish our spell-casting, I made the circle in the bathroom, and opted in flushing down the burnt paper in the toilet as a symbol of detachment instead. - Leonice

Blazing Cauldron
My cauldron was a bowl with three legs used as an ice container for drinks. It was made of porcelain that I didn't realize was very sensitive to high temperatures. One time, I was doing a paper burning rite, so I put the paper in the cauldron with a candle at its center. The wax melted so easily that it started to blaze really strong. Then, I heard creaking sounds…the porcelain was cracking. In panic, I tried dowsing the fire with water. It was a mistake that I realized too late...the blaze exploded like a little fireball! In my panic and fear of getting found out, or worse, burning the house, I poured all my water on it. Luckily it was put out... - John Galicano

Burning House
While my parents were away, I went for a meditation. I turned all the lights off and lighted lots of candles instead. To bring up the atmosphere, I burned incense. I noticed that the incense doesn't smell strong, so a lighted up another one... and another one... until smoke filled the room. The neighbors thought that our house was burning so they called my parents right away. As soon as my parents arrived, they were knocking on the locked door. I was panicking, so I accidentally tripped over a candle, which almost burned our house for real. It wasn't funny during time it happened, but when I told the story to my friends they all burst to laughter. - Aya

Drunken Dad
During a night of the full moon, I was doing an outdoor ritual in the garden. So as not to look so strange, I brought my younger sister with me and pretended that we were just playing some sort of game. I was burning a piece of paper with spells written on it when my drunken dad came near us. "Anong ginagawa mo dyan?”, he said. I replied "Wala lang. Nagsusunog lang ng papel". My father just went back inside the house. Thinking that he ignored me and that probably my cover was not blown because he was so drunk, I resumed what I was doing. After a while, my father went back and brought a small shovel with him. He handed me the shovel and said, "Ibaon mo yan sa lupa, ganyan mangulam tanga!" - Krystel Marcelo

Cellphone Counter-charm
'Twas the night I can't forget. It was 11:30 pm when I left home and found my way to the shore near our place. I was dressed in black skirt and blouse, with my robe covering me from the cold sea breeze. I was walking barefoot in the asphalt road towards the beach, just when some drunkard passed by. I hurried to hide in the tall grasses beside the street. I remembered some chant I read and some techniques about hiding yourself. I don’t know if it did work that time; maybe those guys are just too drunk to notice me. Whew... that was a relief but not yet... as I tried to find a good place in the shore two fishermen came approaching my direction. This time there's no more grasses to hide so I just covered myself with my robe and embrace the sand in my face. Those fishermen passed without noticing me. They are not that far when my phone started to make sound -- my little trick spell ended. They looked back and saw a woman in weird clothing under the moon during Hallows Eve.
- Lady Malandraj

Marijuana Spell
I was in my room doing a ritual when suddenly my mom knocked at the door. I panicked because I was wearing my paraphernalia and Witchy stuffs, and my room was filled with smoke from the burning incense. After several knocks I opened the door. My mother had mistaken the incense smoke for marijuana and confronted me for using it. - Clowreed

My Ritual is a Chore
After reading a book on candle magick, I set out to perform a simple candle ritual myself. The goal is to send my wishes, in the form of affirmations, to the Universe. Pen, paper, match, and candles were all I needed. Coupled with New Age music, the mood was now set. I gently lighted the candles, wrote down my affirmations in a list, sat straight up, and meditated on each item. After a lucid pause, I dangled the paper above the yellow flame of a green candle. As the flame jumped from wick to paper, it dawned on me: I have no container to place the burning paper into. So, paper in a pinch between my fingers, I left my room in a hurry. I went to the kitchen sink, dropped the paper on the sink's drain, and, with eyes focused on the flame, resumed my interrupted meditation. But then I realized that the drain's rim was not made of metal but of plastic! In a panic, I turned on the faucet. I heard that ugly hissing sound as the flame fizzled out. To my utter disappointment, the surface of the rim was scorched. I spent half an hour scrubbing the burnt portions off. Sweat dropping from my forehead, I could only sigh in exasperation as my simple ritual turned out to be a kitchen chore. – Jeffrey

Sermon on the Toilet
There was an incident when I was doing a protection spell. To avoid being seen, I went to a dark place outside our house. My grandma saw me and asked what I was doing, "I’m releasing my inner burdens," I replied. Afterwards my mom did a "sermon" on me because I was too old and yet I still don’t know how to use the toilet. - Ed Calabia

There is Something About the Cockroach
It was obviously night, everyone was asleep and I crept downstairs with all my ritual trappings, some of which I hid during the day under dirty laundry. When I was about to offer the bread and wine, I looked and found a cockroach got to the bread before I or the gods did. So I said, “Lord and Lady, I hope you are that cockroach in disguise!” I drank the wine and offered the bread to the cockroaches. - John Galicano

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